How to Raise a Billionaire Genius: Guarantee Your Crying Poop Monster Grows Up to Be Better Than All the Other Kids

From attachment-parenting hugs to Tiger Mom discipline, the so-called experts offer plenty of contradictory advice on how to raise the perfect child. So don't bother with their boring theories and instead follow the hilarious, if not so expert, suggestions in this book and surely (well, maybe) your precious offspring will turn out to be exactly what you want.

-Forget Mozart--inspire a BILLIONAIRE in the womb by playing stock market bells and yelling like rally-crazed brokers.
- A GENIUS isn't made playing hide-and-seek, so stop your offspring from playing games with IQ-draining friends.
- A SUPER MODEL can't have fat (not even baby fat), so start her at birth on a diet of painkillers, cigarettes and vodka.

D. Hornby is so dedicated to molding children that he had two beautiful twins of his own. He lives on a small island in British Columbia and laughs at people with plumbing and store bought clothes. Sean Campbell is childless, so therefore his molding skills are innate. He lives in Vancouver, and once tried to learn how to play the now dusty piano in his house. It mocks him daily. They both write for PseudoExperts.com.